Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
