Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
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