The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
