I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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