Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
