I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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