i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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