East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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