we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
