So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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