using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
