So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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