doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
