Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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