I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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