So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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