Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
