A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
This toilet bowl is my home.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
