Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
