I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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