her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
