I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
