Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
