i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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