chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
