the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
