my phone needs a breathalizer
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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