best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
