I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
