i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
