He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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