; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Randomize
