For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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