I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
