I like my sex mixed with concussions.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
