Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
