You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
