He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
