census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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