Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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