I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
