remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
