i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize