He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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