Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
