you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
