I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
