you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
