i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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