Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So. Much. Porn.
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