Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize