dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
