No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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