I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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