SEEEEXXX PLEASE
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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