i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
