It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
