I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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