Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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